An Important Lesson from Thanksgiving...

Over Thanksgiving weekend, surprise surprise, a family conflict arose. I (Noah) stepped in to assuage the tension and be the peacemaker (aka rescuer). Rachael then called me out with her fierce love. She said, “Noah, you may think you’re trying to help, but really, you’re just triggered and are trying to control the situation because you're uncomfortable.” I listened to her. I heard her. And then I listened into myself, and lo and behold, she was spot on.

You see, I don’t like conflict or fighting, it makes me uncomfortable, and I think on some level I don’t feel safe. So, I personally tend to avoid conflict, and when others are fighting, I try to step in to “fix” things. Rachael was pointing out that because I had my own agenda of diffusing tension, my ability to support the situation was compromised. My motivation to intervene was both coming from a loving and also from a place of fear.

On the plane ride home I took out my journal to try to get some greater insight into the experience (yes, we try to practice what we preach when we can). The first thing I realized was that in the past, I would have frozen or withdrawn around conflict and one some level, the fact that was engaging was a sign of growth.  

Then the question became: Is there a way to serve the people in conflict that isn’t about me?

I came up with the following as a good "script" for how I can engage in future situations:

“I feel sad and uncomfortable when I see you fighting. (This is about acknowledging and owning my experience and sharing what’s motivating me to speak).
My perception is that you’re both feeling hurt and disconnected. Because I know you both love each other, my impression is that this conflict is ultimately rooted in misunderstanding, miscommunication, and/or a fear of being vulnerable with one another. I’m going to step away and let you work this out on your own, but I hope you can re-engage with each other after getting resourced and then have a more fruitful dialogue.”

Let’s be clear, this is something I wrote in my journal and have not yet had a chance to employ in a real-life situation. My experiences role-playing conversations in therapy and my men’s group have taught me that being prepared is helpful.  My expectation is that in the next real-life situation I'll be more equipped to either stay out of it, or engage in a way that respects everyone and the situation as a whole.

We’ll see what happens when the inevitable tensions arise over the holidays when we’re visiting my family.

We invite you to spend some time identifying some of your own triggers around family and exploring ways you could handle them that may be more fruitful before the upcoming holiday gatherings. In this process, two important things to remember are that we can't change other people, and that vulnerability always helps even though its hard (just ask Brené Brown).