Denial and Dignity: How to Live with Both

Last week I came across these words from a teacher of mine:

“All the good intentions in the world won’t make us capable of honesty.

Denial is a response to pain; it’s not a conscious choice to go into denial - it’s an expression of what we don’t let ourselves know.

We can’t make ourselves be aware.

We can work to help ourselves come home to our own body, to be capable of working with what comes up in us, as well as what might be coming up in others when they tell us what their experience has been.

This is the beginning of true ecology”

 - Thea Elijah

It is such a gift when someone puts such profound insight into words so clear and concise. 

What struck me here the most was the compassionate perspective on the nature of denial. It also sheds light on the fact that we’re all in denial in some ways. There are things in all of our lives that we haven’t faced. It could be a relationship in our life that’s constraining us or a habit that’s harming us. There are things in all of our lives that are impacting us in ways that we aren’t aware of.  

I love insights that illuminate our common humanity. This one expands our perspective to a point where dignified compassion becomes the obvious attitude. When we recognize that denial isn’t a conscious choice, but rather a reaction to something too painful to face, it becomes easier to relate to other people’s denial with dignity and respect. 

I bring this up in light of the current sociopolitical climate. Often the emotions that arise in response to differing opinions, values, or even “truths” are anger, resentment, bitterness, cynicism, and the like. Sometimes we see the root of differing opinions as the denial of others. 

Perhaps a doctor shouldn’t be talking politics, but these emotions can be harmful for our health as individuals and as a society. They close us off, shut us down, and divide us. Stress hormones become elevated and the nervous system gets charged and reactive. 

So what do we do?

Well, the wisdom of this quote is also in seeing the antidote to denial so clearly. First, Thea notes it’s something that cannot be forced or addressed directly. But rather, if we can increase our ability to be present to what is, in our physical, emotional, and mental bodies, we develop a greater capacity to work through what arises which allows for our awareness to broaden. As our awareness broadens, we come to know new things that we were previously in denial about.

We start by slowing down and orienting to our concrete surroundings.What are the ambient sounds? Are there any smells in the air (maybe it’s a good time to huff some lavender)? What colors stand out in the environment? What’s the temperature of the air, of my body?

These questions help to get us out of our heads and the spinning emotions and into the present moment and how we’re actually existing in space right now.

And then, from a more grounded place, we can focus on what’s going on inside of us.
Instead of focusing on why this other person or group of people is wrong or misguided, we choose to focus on our own experience. What’s showing up along with the anger? Is there grief? Confusion and bewilderment? Sadness? And what happens when you let yourself sit in that?

It’s uncomfortable and often we quickly jump back into our habituated patterns of focusing on what’s wrong and messed up about the other person/people. That’s why doing this practice with someone who can hold space and help guide you back can be helpful. And you don’t have to do this seated, in fact it might be better if you’re standing and moving and shaking and swaying as you talk through and feel through what’s going on internally.
 

What good can come out of this? Possibly catharsis. And if you’re able to follow the thread, you might be able to clean things up. Ideally, you’ll be able to call back some of your power. Anger, which is often a sign that we’re perceiving injustice and feeling powerless, might turn into a stirring that leads to creative action. 

I guess I also owe you a disclaimer here. Because, as Thea Elijah so eloquently pointed out, it takes effort “to be capable of working with what comes up in us, as well as what might be coming up in others when they tell us what their experience has been.” We usually need help with this kind of work. So our nervous systems don’t freeze up or spin out, and if they do, we can thaw them out and help them sequence. 
 

Perhaps that’s part of where Heartseed Health can come into the picture. Last week I mentioned that we want to play a role in sociocultural healing. Well, the work that we all need to be engaging in requires support. Even when we’re not actively engaged in it, there’s an impact to be exposed to images and stories the media streams that we’re all experiencing.

Here’s an invitation: If you’re confused and overwhelmed. If you’re feeling alone or unsure what to do. If you’re angry, or grief-filled, or frozen and stuck, or if you’re all of the above, please reach out.

A single acupuncture session can serve as a resourcing reset for your nervous system. An hour in dialogue and movement with Rachael can get you grounded and realigned. A medicinal herbal formula can help strengthen your systems and offer a buffer from the intensity.

In the meantime, here’s some music to dance to on Spotify or Apple Music.

With an open heart grounded in spirit,
Noah