Cycles of Repair - Navigating Getting Triggered by Your Kids

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to lead an interactive workshop at Shining Mountain Waldorf School to equip parents with tangible tools and useful knowledge to effectively work through the inevitable situations of getting triggered by their children. We explored three phases of getting triggered (before-during-after) and learn useful practices for each phase.

I recorded this session and am including the recording and transcript below.

I’ll be offering this workshop again at the JCC on April 28th from 6:30pm - 8:00pm if you’d like to attend a live version.

Transcript and Summary:

Opening Invocation

Before we dive any deeper into the content and style, I want to open this space with a brief invocation—just a moment to drop in a little deeper. As we light this candle, I want to offer gratitude.

Gratitude to the incredible planet Earth that nourishes and sustains us with beauty day after day. Gratitude to the incredible star at the center of our solar system that beams warmth and light, fueling life on this planet. Gratitude to the water that makes life possible and to the wind that keeps things flowing and moving. Gratitude to all plant life that makes everything possible and to the animals.

Gratitude to the ancestors—all the human beings who came before us, who laughed and cried, struggled and thrived, passing on this gift of life to us, each with our own lineage, carrying its gifts and burdens. And gratitude to everyone who chose to show up here today—to ourselves, to each other, and to whoever is with our children, making it possible for us to be here. May this foundation of gratitude hold us together.

The Approach to Learning

As we move into this conversation, I want to share my approach to teaching and facilitating. I aim to include both cognitive and intellectual aspects, providing information and concepts for the mind. But just as important is the emotional aspect—helping us connect to the heart.

We are all walking around in these bodies, and so I also try to ensure that what we discuss is embodied, that it integrates into our lived experience. And beyond the mind, body, and heart, there is also spirit—something larger holding us all in this space. While I am here in the center of the circle, this is a shared learning space. We all carry wisdom, knowledge, intelligence, and life experience, and I encourage us to bring that into this conversation.

The Trigger Cycle: Before, During, and After

If you read the introduction to this talk, you know that we will be breaking down the trigger cycle into three stages: before, during, and after. Now, I know what you’re thinking—"Noah, you broke it down into three stages? Incredible work! The Nobel committee must be on its way!" But truly, these phases help us understand the full cycle: what happens before a trigger, how we experience it during, and what we do afterward that either reinforces or disrupts the cycle.

Before: How We Resource Ourselves

Let’s begin with the "before"—the stage before we get triggered. I invite us to take a collective breath together. Check in with yourself—your heart, your mind, your body. How are you feeling in this moment? Grounded? Anxious? Present? Distracted? No judgment—just awareness.

Often, we are triggered before we even realize it. We carry stress, anxiety, and the weight of daily life before we ever interact with our children, our partners, or our co-workers. So, I want to ask: What do you do to resource yourself? What helps you feel more grounded, more calm, more stable?

Participants shared their insights:

• Nature, exercise, and sleep

• Yoga, meditation, and good food

• Playing music, reading, or simply being alone

• Taking time for deep breathing and self-regulation

One parent mentioned that holding a child close helps them regulate their own nervous system. Another noted that waking up earlier than their child, even by 10 minutes, dramatically changes their ability to show up with patience.

The key takeaway: Being resourced is fundamental to reducing our likelihood of being triggered. It’s about taking care of ourselves so that we can meet the moment with more ease.

During: The Experience of Being Triggered

Now, let’s turn our attention to what happens when we are triggered. I invite you to recall a recent moment when you felt triggered. Not the full intensity—just a slight turn of the dial. What was happening? What were you feeling in your body? Tightness in the chest? Shoulders creeping up? Heat? A sense of powerlessness?

Participants shared their experiences:

• "I feel my chest tighten."

• "I get extremely tired and flat."

• "I clench my fists and feel hot."

• "I stop breathing and feel blocked."

Recognizing these sensations as they arise is powerful because it allows us to catch our triggers sooner. The earlier we notice, the more capacity we have to work with it. Dan Siegel calls this "flipping our lid"—when the rational part of our brain is overridden by the emotional, reactive part.

A key practice here is sitting with the discomfort of being triggered—not suppressing it, but also not acting on it. Simply noticing it, breathing through it, and teaching our nervous system that we can feel these sensations and still remain in control.

After: Repairing and Rebuilding

Now we move into the "after"—what we do once we’ve been triggered and there has been a rupture. What does repair look like?

One participant shared that they try to remember to praise nine times for every one correction. Another reflected that urgency—especially around time—can be a significant trigger, and that sometimes, the best response is to let go of the rush.

The most important element of repair is ownership. Owning our actions, apologizing without conditions ("I’m sorry I yelled" vs. "I’m sorry I yelled, but you weren’t listening"), and checking in with our kids about how they felt. This strengthens the relationship and models for them how to take accountability in their own lives.

Dr. Siegel reminds us that "what you resist persists." If we try to push down our discomfort or pretend it didn’t happen, it doesn’t go away—it builds. Instead, we feel it, acknowledge it, and use it as an opportunity for connection.

The Healing Off-Ramp

To truly break the trigger cycle, we must heal the underlying wounds that make us reactive. This process unfolds in five stages:

1. Not aware of the problem. "I yell. That’s just what I do."

2. Realizing the problem. "I yell, and I need to stop."

3. Identifying the trigger. "Whenever my kid does X, I yell."

4. Understanding the pattern. "When I feel out of control, I yell."

5. Healing the deeper wound. "I work on feeling safe even when things are out of my control."

The more we heal, the more certain triggers lose their charge. We can approach challenging moments with greater ease and resilience.

Closing Reflections

As we wrap up, I invite everyone to share one word describing what they’re taking away from this conversation:

• Forgiveness

• Self-compassion

• Reflection and connection

• Empathy

• Calmness and resilience

• Checking in after moments of rupture

• Pausing before reacting

Finally, I want to address the shame that often arises when we reflect on our parenting challenges. Shame is what keeps these patterns locked in place. The antidote to shame is love and self-forgiveness.

Thank you all for your presence and for going on this journey together. May the goodness and insight gained in this space ripple outward, touching the lives of those we love.